WRITING - William Shatire

I've just completed my first fully brand new script of 2009. I've redrafted other stuff but that just doesn't count... as much... So here is just a brief extract from "That Was The Month That Was That Month." My brief attempt at satire...

ROBERTSON:
I’m glad you asked that Kirsty because I do indeed have a working prototype… if you don’t mind

(Metallic clunking noises as ROBERTSON strains with something heavy).

ROBERTSON:
This, this is a solid gold hand that we had made up… it’s 24 carat and modelled on Gordon’s very own podgy hand, so it’s a firm base… (Laughs) we tried modelling it on Alistair Darlings but that came out more like a claw…

KIRSTY:
(Shocked) Oh dear God… You… literally… meant a golden handshake.

ROBERTSON:
We literally meant a golden handshake, yes… with a big gold hand… You can slip it on, one size fits all… and look, “Grrrr!! Shake my big gold hand!!! Urrrrr!!!”

(There is a large metal clang).

KIRSTY:
Ow!! You just punched me in the face!!

ROBERTSON:
(Gulps) Sorry, it’s hard to judge distance and… (Cough) look... diamond encrusted knuckles!! Eh? Eh? (Putting on a bad robot voice) I… am... a… golden… robot!!

KIRSTY:
And what exactly are you going to do with these golden hands?

ROBERTSON:
Am… well, we’re having one made up for everyone who gets a new job…

KIRSTY:
You’re going to give one to every person? How much do these ‘handshakes’ cost?

ROBERTSON:
Near a hundred thousand each… but look! I’m giving the thumbs up like C3PO!

KIRSTY:
(Disgusted) A hundred thousand pounds each?

ROBERTSON:
(Awkward) If you… if you round down…

KIRSTY:
And will this sort of wasteful extravagance not further decimate the economy? How can you the government justify this spending?

ROBERTSON:
(Awkward) Hadn’t really thought about… that… (Coughs) I’m… I’m giving the thumbs up… like C3PO… might…

(Pause)

ROBERTSON:
(Defeated) We… we may have to rethink the strategy…

(Pause).

ROBERTSON:
That and my hand is stuck.