"Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, 'There's a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him" – Carey Marx
"The definition of bipolar? A sexually curious bear" – Marcus Birdman
"If Britons were left to tax themselves, there would be no schools, no hospitals, just a 500-mile-high statue of Diana, Princess of Wales" – Andy Zaltzman
"I know someone whose dream is to be an actor but they're not that good – they got mugged, and had to audition for the part of themselves on 'Crimewatch'. They got Passer-by No 2" – Isy Suttie
"My Nan had a plastic hip put in, but I thought she should have replaced it with a Slinky, 'cause if she fell down the stairs again..." – Steve Williams
"I used to go out with Christopher Reeve, but I just had to keep standing him up" – Steve Hall
"Where I'm from, people aren't quick. A girl once asked her mum, 'Can I have a Cadbury's Creme Egg?' The mum said, 'No, you can't Danielle, I've already told you, darling – bird flu!'" – Tom Deacon
"I once buggered a man unconscious. I'm lying, he was already unconscious when I found him" – Tom Deacon
"My granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first" – Alex Horne
No comments:
Post a Comment